New Me, Glad?

Should be mature by now,

sad things are just a test to us,

it is simple when we think it simple,

Sadness? Emo?

Nehhh...

Not for me anymore.

Have to grow up by now,

for so long already,

have to starting thinking what's good for myself

and for those people around me,

sorry for taking so long to know what is important

Sorry to my parents, my mother the most.

i really sorry that i can't be the best in your heart,

from now on i'll try to do my best,

i won't let you down anymore.

Mum, i love you with all my heart and soul,

Mum, you are the most prettiest woman i ever seem,

no one can really replace you in my heart,

there will be no another mother in my world. =)

Mum, i love you with no doubt <3

and also

Dad,

<3>

Too Simple

Too much things happening now.

Listening to those 10months ago songs.

Those feeling are undescribable,

Is like thousand of swords, penarate through my heart,

so pain so suffered,

who knows?

who cares?

Keep repeating those songs.

Read those letters.

10months to HY, became nothing,

end up i'm thinking of my .....

too pain, too confused.

who knows?

who cares?

They are good, happy together.

I'm sufferd, no one knows.

Even best friends, i myself cant maintain any of it, i'm admire my friend,

to whom are also okay with.

but me

dont deserve any of best friendship?

totally dont deserve any of love relationship.

i'm invincible to everyone.

even 10months, she also doesn't trust.

even i meant that introducing girls thing,

i still love you.

but.... not anymore?

who knows?

who cares?

Simple and Easy?

Why things can't be easy as abc?

It is so complicated.

i turn my back, and saw the things that will slash my heart deeply, it is so painful and hardly to describe how pain is it.

i turn my back, know that i had no more chance. no more confidence.

i turn my back, saw everything, it made me feel that, he is more safe to be with.

everytime i turn my back, i saw it, it made me turn moody, i very hate to be like that, is like i'm having something bad but no one knows.

Then my friends cheer me up in a Nasi Kandar shop, i only know that they both are very good friends.

Thanks to Pauline and Evon. After that i felt much better, even i saw it again, i still smile with it.

There is something bothering me, everytime you told me that you had nothing with him, i dont want to know anything, it is very hurting, everything because of your things, i turn blur in my world, i hate to have these kind of feeling, i love you, but nobody bothers.

It made me missed a lot of things, but why my mind keep repeating the same image during when i turn back.

Someone can tell me why are you so hard to forget?

Can i forget? So so so so long, how can i immediately forget everything, why i dont derserve to be have a long relationship? Or even one?

Can someone tell me? They told me i am quite good looking and said a lot of girls like me, i dont believe either of that is true, cause it doesn't have also. Neither evidence nor prove!

Word are down at 10:31

11 July 2009

27/6/09

Wow, now only i know that, i'm nothing to you in your heart.

I don't want to have this kind of feeling anymore.

Hate it so much.

Please LET me GO!!!

22/5/09

Wah, Chinese Paper...

Pass maybe is impossible le...

haiz...

but at tuition just now,

i was cool to death..

i message to mummy

she brought the jacket for me.

wah

touched!!!

Never felt this warm...

althought there isn't any jacket i also will feel the warm...

Words are wrote at

11:11

30/04/09

Happy Anniversary to myself for loving one person for the 7th month...

is this a happy thing?

for me..

i did suffered

i did happy with her.

i did sad because of her.

i did moody because of her.

Things to me now are numb...

Problems to me now are numb...

Who will be the one for me when i'm moody?

Who will think of me when they have a problem?

I did so many things just want people to know that i care for them?

if that is so hard?

what for i want to be so suffering?!!

Who will need me when they have a problem?

Who will want me to stay with them when they have a problem?

Who will call me and tell me that things happening on them?

Who will wants me to console or comfort them when things happened?

Who will ???

?.? All these questions keep going round and round..

A friend

almost perfect..

good in study,

good looking,

got faith in everything,

a good and warm person to stay with,

a good boyfriend.

What am i?

NOTHING~

I'm just good in giving people fake promises and sweet words....

I'm just good in giving good excuses to myself...

LOL...

Love a person in the wrong time,

Thinking of getting return...

LOL....

Many things said to her...

she become numb...

nothing i say to her will effect her...

i feel very very depressed...

haiz

even my friend tell her...

still can console her...

when she has a problem

i cant tell or help anything,

even console i also not good in it...

she won't think of me when she has a problem

even how hard i console her...

she's just take that i'm not there also...

Even through she expressed to me

i found myself like forcing her too much..

i scared i msg her again will make she moody...

will i effect her mood? ? ?

i guess no ...

Nobody needs me anyway...

=D Anything relate to love promises and sweet words wont be true or real,

=D Dont ever believe or trust fake promises.... 

18/4/2009

i'm depressed,

Mum's there nagging last night...

Keep asking the same questions,

Why can't you study well?

Come on, study...

Why you do not want to study?

Next time you want to stand on the supermarket with salary of rm750??!!

I'm thining everything to myself.

Everything i've got, 

will be ruined by myself.

Best friends,

love,

sports,

all of them,

i don't have anything good at it.

Why is things so hard settle?

Why can't hings be simple and easy?

Why things is such complicated and confusing?

Why can't i do things to be simple and easy?

Why can't i make things good and maybe the best of one of them.

In love, 

Why can't i've a long and steady relationship

Why can't i find a person to love for a long long time?

In sports,

Why i trained for so long, can't be better then anyone,

is like stuck at that level, will never improve or anything,

In studies,

Why i can worry about that i would fail but why can't go and improve it or make my result become better?

I don't have anything special.

I don't have anything extraordinary.

Not like another people,

got something special on them,

I can't help anything, anyone.

Is that i'm always such a failure in everything?

WHO WILL BE THERE FOR ME?

WHEN I NEED SOMEONE? O.o

Words are written down at

11:24am

11/4/2009

Today is really a bad day to pass,

my best friend,

quarrel with her,

but don't know why,

feeling kinda sorry to her,

well,

i did something very SORRY to her

i did regret,

i should expect things that she cant do,

i'm really a stupid person!

IDIOT!

just that she didnt bother your msg so what,

that's her freedom,

why i should be such a gangster,

destroying things.

well,

i guess i'm not a good friend to her,

although we are fine now,

is just that she is still treating me the same way,

i really miss the time she really treat me as a good friend,

haiz....

this is what max khaw deserves...

is really my fault anyway,

i started this,

almost broke up with her, ( i meant by best friends)

well, she does cares about me,

why should i think so much and expect so much

since we are just best friend

i should enough that she console me,

i'm really an IDIOT!!!!

why cant we be like normal,

why i should care so much,

she is just really my best friend

although i love her so much..so much..

sorry huiyine for today.

i really regret how i treated you today.

i'm sorry

can i find back the way you used to treat me? o.O

i hope to be best friend again.

hope that you will forgive me.

sorry.

(i love you) this three words is no more use to you.

i shall keep that.

sorry.

millions of sorry.

i should be enough and satisfied.

sorry~ 

really sorry~

Words are written down at

11:36pm

Today is a bad day...

7/4/09

I always thought that crying alone is better,

but now it's different.

Everything is changing,

suddenly i have the confidence back to be what i am.

Because her,

as she promised, 

she will always be there for me,

but she did.

I'm really glad,

crying alone,

but with a smile in her face,

light up my life,

Console whenever i'm moody

now only i know,

how important she is in my life,

i'm unconditionally in love with her.

I'm glad i have a such best friend like her,

Even i'm not with her.

6th months of loving her. 

Thanks to Huiyine. =D

You gave me all i ever wanted,

so it is enough for me. ^^

Words are written at 1:01am

3/3/09

almost on
but didn't
hope my broken heart will survive ....
i do hope
i'm moody ...
listening to songs ...
cried last night ..
haiz ...
*max cried
zzzz ==
sweats ...
i'll be waiting
for that day ...
for your feeling get stronger ...
rmb what i told you
rmb that ...

i'm not superhuman
i cant accept this
but i will better in time
i promise
maybe


10:34
Max has a unhealable broken heart
*surviving
mood :
extremely extremely
moody

24th Feb 2009

Jealousy makes people turn insane
Really having a bad time
maybe more then a bad day
my white pants got so black ink on it
*faint
washed myself
but why cant it just go away .
stupid black ink !!! :@



Say loving you
won't makes you touched
maybe i said at the wrong time ...
i realized that ....

Moody for some time
maybe now ....
but its okay ....



Msg to the person i loved
but she doesn't feel it ?
Yeah , i think she doesn't ...
Maybe ...
i guess ...
i hope i'm wrong ...



" Whatever "
do this word effect me a lot ? o.O
haiz ...
bad replied
people lost trust on me
why i cant just want to be with her ?
protect ? o.o
i think i can't
i'm also haven't met with her ... *sienz ...



Friends starting to say i'm becoming " EMO ? "
Ridiculous ...
NO WAY EMO ...
Gavin la ... * happy emo * FAINT !!!!
hahaha


ahhhh ....
drunk feels good ...
beers are nice ....
the bitterness
can describe my bitterness to love someone ?
lol
maybe ....


Everyday keeps dota
Everyday keeps study
to make myself numb
for not thinking another things


Yeah ....
Add Maths
you ain't so hard
i can do you ... >< * happy (after today's tuition , learned a lot )
having a competition (basketball) this Saturday
must jia you dy ...
hahahahaha ....

7:07pm
Mood :
Down and frustrated

Listening and Thinking

msging with HER till late night
sleep in class all day long
wow ...
sot jor ...
nothing to do ... *BORING
many days of reading non-fiction books *new moon*
haha i finish my twilight . *over the moon*
people always ask me
why you haven't change people to chase yet .
i said " Don't know ? "
haha actually is i still love her :S
ridiculous questions
haha ...
some people say
"Don't wait , wasting time "
"Haha , i don't care " i replied .
isssshhhh ~ why add maths is such a hard subject to learn
stupid !
One things i'm not satisfied with
IS ...
i'm not a very good in console ppl
wtf !

This is for real

A PAIN THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER UNDERSTAND !

Bad days ( i don't use blog say or scold ppl , dont misunderstand me ! )

First , i was wishing so hard that i can meet her in Saturday night ,
but i can't .
lol . ridiculous !
msg my friend ask whether can go or not
but end up
didn't reply .
fine then , she also didn't help me ask .
these days she changed ,
the way she chat , the way she act
totally changed !
now i only know that she and i are totally impossible to be together !
She gave me hope just don't want to lose a friend ?
or don't want to hurt me ?
i have no idea .
She asked me to do account for her
but she told a other four boys who are chasing her .
so got four accounts , lol , i don't want a toy le ... although i love you k ... ?
so i'm thinking that ,
why she still got so many ppl chasing her ? why she doesn't want to reject ?
lol , thinking a lot last night .
thought till late night ,
burning midnight oil ...
lucky tuition today didn't fall asleep ! hahaha ~

bad day for Monday !
yesterday ...
we agree to each another will go gurney
if got or not
also will tell
but end up
i waited her at gurney for just want she to send me a msg that she is not going or what
but didn't show up neither one msg ...
i was so frustrated till turn moody the whole night .
quarreled with mother ~
haiz ...
moody
very very very down ~
reading twilight but mummy say i'm sms with friends ~
made me very phe chek !!
lol ...
waited for so long .
chasing her for so long
didn't touched her at all ...
lol ...
appreciate ppl around .
don't regret after you had lost it !
in her irresponsible act
hurts me
break my heart !
this really a pain that you won't understand ~
let me think that she doesn't even care about me
i was laying on the bed .
thinking thinking thinking
waiting waiting waiting ~
end up ..
all the ppl i told too
don't even care !
no one care !
now i only realize this
i'm the only one who live in my own world
no one else will care !
i love to be moody
cause moody suits me !
the more happy am i
the deeper the hurt in my heart !

life's sucks
TOTALLY !!!!!

I missed her ...

She went to a party ,
my best friend had a performance that i can't attend to see either him or her .
She was enjoying very well , so i don't know what to say neither what to say or disturbing her ..
haiz ....
bad mood ...
moody ...
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her i missed her
i'm damn missing her !!!
but i ain't gonna tell her
let her enjoy the party .. without disturbing her ..
what to do ..
maybe this is the way of how i love ..
all about i think is her ..
hope to see her in Monday !!

Thinking ~ Wondering ~ Considering~

i'm thinking should i give up ?
i'm wondering should i give up ?
i'm considering should i give up ?

or just take it like it never happen before ?
no one to tell me ...
hmmm ....
be mature boy ...
think yourself ...

so my conclusion is ...
don't think
don't wonder
and
don't consider
is the best for me now ...
finding something to do
for me not to things so such ...
happy happy better ...

i hope i can ...
hahaha game and book are the most suitable choice for me ...
thanks to myself .. xD

Waiting Missing n Loving

After a bad relationship with her ,
lol , thinking of it ,
is like waiting for a IMPOSSIBLE love to happen ,
so after she is together with that GUY
make me think of giving up ,
i am telling myself ,
must be mature to accept
must be mature to be forgive and forget ,
well ,
i did ,
congrat myself .. = =
i told her many things that i will do after my PMR
stupid exam ...
i hate that so much ,
make me lost everything that i own ....
lol ,
hmmm ,
i dont care it anymore anyway ... haha
i told her ,
i was going to pierce ,
i was going to put bracers ,
i was going to buy new clothes ,
i was going to learn guitar ,
i was going to build myself ,
i was going to hang out more with her ...
but haven't reach PMR
she already left me .
after that i did concentrate at my exam
but i found ...
is already to late .
so i tried and tried ,
but not a good result i get
i cant get anything that i always wanted
but i gain family love n concern
well
isn't so bad

After 3 weeks of BAD MOOD n DEPRESSION
i think i dont believe in love stuff
so i give up love and live alone with computer ...
awww...
so lonely huh ,
hard time , hard feelings ,
i already have felt and pass it over
then i found a girl ...
many people said ,
she ain't very pretty ,
but after a few chats with her ...
i felt myself
something happened ,
none of this feeling happen before ,
something happen for first time
so deep inside
after that ,
i had a crush with her ,
miracle do happen ,
so i kept it deep inside ,
didn't speak to anyone ,
just tell myself to control myself ,
cause i don't want to be like last time,
i don't have the courage neither the confidence
i had been let people scolding me that i'm freaking annoying ,
i did try to walk away from this crush .
but
how hard i find
is just so hard to forget
is just so hard to give up
cause i know myself ain't a good-looking boy
so i did keep myself to that ...
after i saw a movie,
it let me think
nobody is perfect !
so this crush ,
is still here ,
but kept deep inside my heart ..
waiting and waiting and waiting ..
for some time
but now is already four months ...
unexpected huh
i also don't know what is happen to me ..
not the first time to love
but the first time so love
like i see another girls
i don't have any interest ...
but this is the happy part ...
one day
i saw a message that she said that my friends is kinda good looking
and she likes her or not ..
i was totally totally pissed off
so i think for awhile
since she got a starting at him
why not i try to pass him to her
but end up they didnt make it
so i also continue my love....
i told her how i felt
but time is still needed for herself
haiz ...
nevermind then
four months waiting
why not waiting for somemore time
i am here loving her
waiting one day she will realise how much i love her ...
i do hope i and her is more then ordinary friend ....
missing her ....